In my observation, fewer things can strengthen a relationship than having a common enemy to stand together against. Very often, it is an authority structure, such as parents, or an institution opposing a couple or group that becomes this common enemy. For simplicity, I will write in terms of couples, but the concept can apply in multiple ways.
What are the typical dynamics?
- Authority figure demonstrates oppositional opinion to the relationship, or some aspect of it
- Couple either gets offended (overt), or goes secretive (covert).
In their dialogue together, something very interesting and powerful emerges: An attitude of “We can do this together. It is us against the world. Our relationship is more powerful than any opposing opinion!”
This experience of opposition is allowed to represent a very strong bonding mechanism between humans – the need to belong.
Depending on the couple or group, they will either create
a -seemingly- unified front against their perceived enemy, or they will try and persuade or outpower the enemy in order to win them over to their opinion. If this manoever does not succeed, it’s “game on” for the next stage.
As everyone loves to have a common enemy to gossip about and nurture feelings of opposition, we feed the need by talking extensively about our new enemy to those who will listen.
It brings a satisfying sense of unity and belonging, for the moment. However, it can also form an unstable and false sense of security, as we set like cement into our opinion. Observe how this often progresses into a need to keep fueling this affront by frequent references to what the ‘enemy’ has done.
If we keep feeding it, this emotion can actually become an obsessive need to keep filling our ‘offense tank’ by telling and re-telling how the opponent has offended us. We often forget to look for constructive solutions.
In reality, this becomes a bottomless pit. There is no way out, because we only see one answer . The enemy must capitulate to our way.
One interesting note, is to realize that clinging to this position can actually create a sense of security in our unmoveable position of self-defense and resentment. Somewhere beyond our immediate recognition, it establishes our sense of independence, that we are the only ones who will protect us, and therefore must do so aggressively.
Whether we realize it or not, by assuming this offensive position, we are demonstrating that we are the most important one in our world. (This usually comes back to bite you later.)
In my observation, this chosen position often becomes the ‘stuck point’ in one’s life. Progress, maturity, and growth are halted. Destiny is thwarted. Visions are abandoned. The offense becomes our focus.
How do we know?
Because there is no sincere desire to hear how their behavior may have contributed to the problem, or to understand there are two sides to every story. There is no sense of balance or equity, insistence for both sides to have a fair hearing, or desire to work towards a mutual solution. It’s “my way or the highway”. They may vow they have a solution, but their answers are often one-sided, unrealistic, or non-existent. They are obstinately, often obnoxiously fixated on the resentment, not the solution.
This has a frequent way of turning back like a boomerang in the face, when the offender withdraws or moves on, and there is no more target to preoccupy them. It can often get interesting, if their need to feel wronged turns towards their partner, children, family, friends, co-workers or some other person who has, in their perception, offended them.
They endlessly watch, they anticipate offenses, their life loses joy, or the ability to even develop healthy, interactive relationships. They become trapped within a prison that they call Safety.
They cannot seem to grow beyond one thought, “Who hurt me, and how can I react in order to protect myself?”
Being offended at someone, is what they have grown to be most familiar with.
They do not know how to live a normal, happy life, free of offense. It’s as if they have to be critical or angry at someone, or their world is not normal.
In short, they become addicted to being offended, constantly scanning to see who has earned their ire, who to turn against. They become trapped, without even realizing it, within a prison that they call Safety and Self-Protection.
However, what happens when the other partner changes opinion, or becomes open to new ideas? What happens if they want to bring resolution and repair into troubled relationships ?
Then what, when offense has become the familiar, if not addicted landscape the offendee seems to, if not needs to, prefer?
Part Two: What Is the Solution?